Every two days I play the “I don’t remember” game with my kids. I pick them up from school, ask how their day or weekend was, and the answer is almost always the same: “I don’t remember.”
I try not to push. I know divorce is a huge shift for young kids, and part of me has always felt like the “I don’t remember” response is their way of keeping the two worlds separate. Two houses, two sets of rules, two emotional climates — and under no circumstances do those worlds collide.
I’d be lying if I said I don’t worry about the impact of all this. I think about it a lot. Probably more than I admit.
It’s easy to go online and try to decode every behaviour. I’ve done it. Divorce isn’t easy for anyone, and the obvious explanation is that the kids are protecting themselves — and protecting us. They’re living a split‑world experience, and they’re doing the best they can with it.
I don’t want to make that any harder for them, so here are a few things I try to do when the “I don’t remember” game shows up.
1. Don’t interrogate
It’s an easy trap. You’re curious, you miss them, you want to know what they’ve been up to — and suddenly you’re firing off questions. Before you know it, it stops feeling like interest and starts feeling like an interrogation.
What’s helped me is pivoting back to my own life. After one or two questions, I’ll tell them what I’ve been up to. At first I worried it was selfish, but it turns out it opens the door. When I share, they eventually share too. It’s a small victory every time.
2. Don’t react emotionally
This one is hard — especially in a high‑conflict co‑parenting situation. When it feels like they’re keeping half their lives a secret, it’s easy to take it personally.
But the truth is, they’re processing everything too. “I don’t remember” is a coping mechanism. It’s not an attack.
My job is to stay steady. Their emotional safety matters more than my hurt feelings or bruised ego. If I have a real concern about their wellbeing, I take it up with their mom privately. The kids don’t need to carry that weight.
3. Don’t make them responsible for your feelings
Kids in two homes learn quickly that certain topics can upset a parent. Even at a young age, they know when Mom and Dad don’t get along. So they protect us. They hold back. They manage our reactions.
My job is to make sure they never feel like they have to regulate my emotions. They shouldn’t have to tiptoe around my feelings. They shouldn’t have to choose which version of the truth is “safe.”
They get to be kids. I handle my own reactions.
4. Share your life openly
I used to think sharing my own stories was selfish, like I was showing off or making them feel like my life was better when they weren’t around.
But sharing my life — the small, ordinary stuff — actually shows them that nothing needs to be hidden. It normalizes conversation. It builds trust.
When I talk about losing my Apple Pencil again or burning dinner, it tells them: “This is a house where people talk. You can too.”
5. Make home a place where nothing is a secret
Kids learn fast that sharing the wrong detail can create tension. They learn which topics are safe and which ones aren’t. They learn how to protect the adults.
So I try to make my home the opposite of that — a place where nothing needs to be hidden. A place where information isn’t dangerous. A place where they can talk without worrying about how I’ll react.
That’s the environment where kids eventually stop saying “I don’t remember.”
The truth is, the “I don’t remember” game isn’t easy
Not for them.
Not for me.
But there’s always a reason behind it. And the best thing I can do — my two cents — is let them be kids and keep the adult drama where it belongs: between the adults.
It’s easy to get into the trap of overcompensating and feeling guilty when you’re a single parent. Have a read of how I survive feeling guilty and overcompensating.